I wish …

Sometimes you want to say something and end up not saying anything for fear its going to come out wrong. That what you going to say is going to end up being seen as not appreciating what is. Except that you do appreciate what is, the support, the love, the home, the life you now have.

So is it wrong to make a wish.
Is it wrong to want?

A nice analogy that someone gave me recently which assisted my understanding of what I am going through was that if a person feels famished, and suddenly you get some food but you still hungry, doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate what you just ate, it just means that you need some more to be adequately nourished, to have enough nutrition to survive what lies ahead.

I didn’t sleep well. I lie awake thinking. Thinking of what I need. What I would have wanted for myself, but taking into consideration what can be given. What is humanely possible.

I know I’ve come far, but is it far enough to meet my own needs?

So what is different now. My needs hasn’t changed.
I realised that the difference is a big one, a little sentence, but a huge difference:

I AM OPEN.

What does this mean?
Instead of being closed, walls around my inner core, not feeling and therefore no acknowledgement of the needs, or the needs did not matter because of being suppressed, I am now open and the walls have been broken down. No, not lowered, broken down completely.
And the truth is that I don’t want to build walls again.

Bottom line however is that there is no more that can be given. I am getting what was promised. And I am getting as much as can be given. Without Breaking. Without taking away.

 

I need to find a way of staying open.

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2 Responses

  1. hey tannie. ramadaan mubarak. how u doing?

  2. Ramadaan Mubarak to you and your family as well. I’m doing very well. Alhamdulilah.

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