Visions of days gone bye :(

dreaming dreams

not pleasant
scary dreams

Sometimes dreams are not of the future
or about what we want
but of days gone by

why?
perhaps to help process
and lay the past to rest
I hope

I have had a few
of days that I would much rather forget
that holds pain
and tears
and feelings of sadness

a time where laughter forgotten
playfulness missing
adoration not even thought of
caring a myth
consideration a joke
togetherness foreign terminology

I thought it was laid to rest
but somehow it has come to the fore again
and I now need to deal with things
I thought were things of the past
being hurt
and what I allowed
and how I didn’t stand up for injustice

I need to come to terms with certain events
but knowing that I am a lot to blame
as I was the one who allowed things
to get to levels it did
in hope that it would save
what couldn’t be saves
and sacrificing myself in the process
cos THIS would save everything and all would be fine

except it wasn’t
and it was said to be my fault
and blame had to be internalised
and it crippled me
and I had to rebuild me each time
to try to make it work
except it still didn’t make a difference

each time rebuilt to a fraction of what was
‘cos it took away from me
until only a shell remained
I invested me
and came out with minus me
a person with no personality or soul

the pain resurfacing in dreams
waking up shaking
feeling the feelings which are no more
tears streaming down my face
reliving what was endured

why the pain after so long
why is it haunting me
after being dealt with
moving on

cos I gave myself then
so can still feel into my core
into my soul

which has been rebuilt
and reformulated to what I want

for what I want is ME

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3 Responses

  1. Oh, my sweet Sisterwoman across the seas… this could have been written by my spouse, V. She endures as you do. She sleeps, and dreams, and the memories flood in when she is so unprotected, causing nightmares. Often she tosses and turns and wakes, screaming and in tears. Sometimes she can sleep only when being held by J., or me, or both of us… all three then cuddled up like a heap of warm, innocent puppies (LOL). It’s as if when we are there, our souls are able to stand guard and stop the wicked memories from torturing her. Now if only her subconscious could believe that there is no need for this anymore, and keep such strength handy even if we happen to be in a different room. I wish you peace, contentment and love.

  2. wish u all the happiness that u deserve.forget about the pass is not easy.may ALAH grant u pease and contentment insha alah .i know u got all the luv u need.all my luv NBOOTH

    • Shukran Nadierah. So true, I know I am loved.

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